Life for rant

Men are jerks.

2012-01-29T10:53:00.001Z

Sensitive uncaring pricks.

That's all.

Oh.Fass.MY.Bender

2012-01-07T19:40:00.004Z

It's been a while since I had an entry for SMOKING HOT MAN I WANNA TOUCH. The New Year definitely deserves one. I've gone through phases of liking a few attractive men; there was Christian Bale at the beginning, Arne Friedrich somewhere in the middle. And now, Michael Fassbender.

Not to say I'm bias, but I do have a type - dark hair, light coloured eyes and those symmetrical features. AND I AM SOLD. Oh God, can my future husband look like him please? I like how rapey he looks sometimes. Oh, those eyes look so dreamy and yet there's a tinge of caution. Apparently he was an altar boy. Could have been that even. And the story is, he comes with a PACK.AGE. Naiiiice.

I'm such a pervert.

Well it's been a long time, long time now.

2011-12-29T04:09:00.002Z

Yesterday, I read through my archives. Not everything, just the December entries. I seem to have some sort of alternate years, one year I seem to be extremely happy and the next, depressed or indifferent. Maybe end of the scales, maybe cause I'm just a little mental.

This year's been one of those years in your life where nothing amazing happened, but you discover little things that moves you along. I don't have a problem with this kind of years btw, it's nearly idle, not much effort to get through. No dramas and frills, least to say! The year was just really about going to university and getting through one semester after another. Probably two most exciting things that have happened would be me directing my literature class project and finally getting to go on a holiday.

So I ask myself again, am I happy and content? I won't lie, there were patches in this year were I was purely thrilled. The others, it was mostly me trying to get through it. It feels a bit numb, in some ways, I do think I've got a lot more complacent. It's like being in a relationship where everything is too comfortable. I do fear that.

But then, what does the New Year hold for me? I don't know, I don't really care. What may come will come. I don't have any sort of expectations. Not that I've given up. Expectations mostly end in disappointment to me, it seems.

Life's not all that shit. Only cynical bastards say that. heh.

Happy Christmas

2011-12-25T13:58:00.003Z

I miss that room with a view.

Time travel.

2011-12-15T16:55:00.002Z

A mate did my tarot reading was. Exciting, nervous, to get an unrealistic glimpse of the future. It's not meant to be right or true. It's really up to your own interpretation.

In 5 years, everything seems to have turned alright. Apparently, I'll have broken free from that very strained relationship I have, moved away to a new place, with a career in the right direction, with some form of financial freedom and mostly importantly, me being married.

Now, the next few years is meant to be rough. So, all toil and then some peace? Something I like that I suppose.

But do I believe it? Hmm, not entirely. The only one who's in control of my fate is God himself. And only He could change everything.

BEST.COFFEE.EVER.

2011-11-27T14:10:00.003Z

Summer yearning.

2011-11-18T06:24:00.002Z

The heat must do crazy things to your brain. I forgot how the dry heat can be so tiring and annoying. Being in Melbourne is rather nice. Takes away my mind from a lot of things. At the same time, makes me think of the things I yearn so badly.

The temptations, the sins. I wish it was all more available to me. Suppose I'll just die a chaste woman after all. Just as long as I'm not bitter and sad when I die. Am way too bored of my life now honestly.. there's nothing in my life at the moment that excites me anymore.. I just bored of everything around me. This yearning something more than work and study. Suppose you can't have it all. Maybe I'll die alone with lots of books and papers in my house.

Maybe I'll travel across the seas and find true love. Maybe I won't. Maybe I'll die a martyr. Maybe I'll be selfish rich bastard that doesn't give a fuck about anyone's life. It's too easy to be selfish and I really don't know how to be one. Life would be easier if I did though. Minus the guilt. That'd be a good life.

Everyone's too busy being selfish. I feel left out.

A friend's masterpiece about me.

2011-11-04T04:50:00.000Z

She likes mojito til her tummy goes numb

She can only get to sleep by sucking on her thumb

A very close friend a million miles away

Like that nonce in the sky who hears you all pray

"Help me, save me, bring me fortune and gold"

She's the kind of lady who's got another goal

Exciting, enticing and all in between

This goddamned genius only wants to dream.

Thank you, Ren! X

Midnight express baking.

2011-10-16T15:03:00.005+01:00

Lately, I've spent quite a bit of time randomly baking goodies that I've craved. One day I made really nice, fluffy marble cake, when I really felt awfully sad. On the verge of tears, if you like. Then, there was the sticky date pudding experiment - turned out better than I imagined it to be. A couple of nights ago, a sudden urge to bake madeleines overtook me in a surprise. Even without a shell pan, the tiny buttercakes turned almost gorgeous. To be honest, I know I can bake well but I'm not one who's excellent with aesthetics. So, I just have to make do baking messy looking cakes!

October.

2011-10-02T09:00:00.002+01:00

Rather quick hasn't it come? Just another 4 months to fly by the year. So far, it's been alright I suppose. Another month, I'll see one of my bestest friends ever, Dorian, after two whole years.

It'd be good to see a familiar face from England again. I miss the days we spent wandering around Leicester Square and eating ice cream. Well, generally we spent a lot of time eating! If we ever lived together, we might just end up fattening each other and waddle about.

It also been a year since I went back to uni. I've probably learnt and grow more and more. As much as I dread it, it's teaching probably some of very valuable lessons in my life.

I may also have lost my job... This means, I'll be broke for a very long time. Otherwise, I'll just have to be patient and finish up my grad studies and hope someone would hire me and pay real big bucks.

Sigh.

Pudding love

2011-09-18T18:11:00.004+01:00

When I was growing, I was never fussed about puddings. Until, I went to London. One of my best food discoveries there was sticky toffee/date pudding.

The first time I had it, I shared it with my mate, Tim, who greedily stole my delicious rabbit pie. Ah good ol' Tim, always bullying me. :)

This is one pudding that could bring a bundle of joy honestly, it's just warm, delicate and so fucking comforting that you'll never want to be cuddled again. Or something like that.

I remember having the pudding once with Matt and he said, "Fuck me, this is SEX".

Well, hell yeah it is.

She's thunderstorm.

2011-08-27T05:46:00.002+01:00

Nothing's better than listening to Arctic Monkeys with a cup of tea on a gloomy Saturday morning.

You're so gay.

2011-07-31T17:12:00.002+01:00

I seem to have the penchant to turn everything I touch gay.

That's why I'm the Fairy Godmother.

Word play, mothafuckas'

Tell me the worst.

2011-07-17T14:28:00.002+01:00

So, uni has kept me busy for a bit now.. where July is a bit of a nightmare of a month really. I can't be arsed too much about trying to do much, not like I've got lots on.

Generally, things are just a bit mundane anyway; though the whole director role is spicing things up a bit for me. Honestly, I make a damn good boss. HA.

I did get all worked up about it at the beginning, thinking I'd be shit but you know what, it made me realise I'm a changed person. I used to think I was a shit leader and all that, thanks to labeling in school. But really, that probably made me better after all. I think not everyone are meant to be playing a role as such, not to sound a wanker but I really do think I could be one of those people who makes a massive change. Maybe I will some day.

Still, I am a wanker. We all know this.

We are friends.

2011-06-12T15:14:00.002+01:00

So, where did you go?

I haven't heard in the longest.

Have you forgotten me?

Or is it that I was never good enough?

A friend I was to you,

A friend you were not to me,

Remind me, why did you tell me everything?

When I did need to know nothing.

I'll never forget my friend,

I hope you don't either,

Too many come and go,

But you'll always be in back of my head.

LIKE A FUCKING STUBBORN STAIN THAT'D NEVER FUCKING GO AWAY.

Misread.

2011-06-05T14:36:00.004+01:00

Kings of Convenience maybe a hipster band (I AM NOT A HIPSTER!!!) but I have to say, this song has to be their best one. The lyrics are poignant to me. Should I add, a rather simple and beautiful video too...

Chickeeeeen wings.

2011-05-15T13:46:00.004+01:00

For the love of God, if there's one piece of meat I love is the chicken wing. Can never get enough of them!

I've never been a big meat fan, especially red meat. Occasionally, red meat would be a treat but chicken is a staple and I find it absolutely boring to prepare breast or thigh meat of a chicken. Simply because I find the flavours don't sit as well as it can in chicken wings. Plus, I love licking bones. No euphemism there.

Now, chicken wings... there's a lot of territory undiscovered. Given that chicken wings have a quite a bit of surface area to cover, it soaks up marinate very well.. even leaving it rubbed for 30 minutes does a fantastic job! The meat is tender and easy to cook, a nice rack of wings can be cooked within 40 mins flat.

I've been experimenting quite a bit lately and have come up with different variations of marinade. From sticky sweet and sour of honey, herb and lemon combination to fiery feel of chili flakes and ginger paste, it all works a wonder!

To me, nothing is more satisfying than to tuck in with bare fingers and lick 'em all clean!

Delish.

#400: too much.

2011-05-10T18:36:00.002+01:00

This isn't actually the post #400. To my regret, I've deleted a fair few post and some never saw daylight.

It's way toooooo HOT here. I hate the humidity and the blazing sun.

Give me cool sunny days instead please?

L.I.F.E.G.O.E.S.O.N

2011-05-01T11:42:00.001+01:00

Cliches actually work.

2011-04-10T09:02:00.003+01:00

When they say, you gotta let go of the past to move forward. It's true. Recently, it dawned upon me that I didn't actually want to go back to England. I miss it, yes. But if I really wanted to go back and do all over again. Honestly, I'd be bored.

"Aren't you like contradicting yourself? Don't you miss your friends and the city?"

Of course I do, I miss the summer breeze, the evening sky, the gloomy winter, the laughing and banter... but what I really missed the most is the experience. Would I one day like to go back there? Yes. But not now. Not in the next few years.

The problem with me was, when I left, I never had closure. I wasn't prepared to let go and held it all a bit too close. It's going to be over 2 years now I've returned and I realise, it's only childish to hold on to something past.

I met an old cat friend of mine yesterday, she was right. I'm growing old and that's a fact of life. Your mind maybe young as it could be but not your heart or liver or hair or bones.

Suppose, sometimes we just need to know who we are to ultimately figure out what we really want.

All a bit too cliche-y and all a bit too hard.

Someone like you.

2011-04-07T15:12:00.003+01:00

I never gave Adele much notice until I was out in the UK... She was in the same class of Duffy and beat the Welsh bird on the Grammys. Adele is what a proper LDN girl is like, the swearing, the big personality but her voice makes her a different class altogether. Duffy's second album's come out a bit stale. I never heard her sound as nasal as she does, not even during live performance! But Adele's kept it real. She probably is going to be one of the biggest female singers of our years. Someone like you is poignant and strikes a massive chord for me. Her performance at Brits was just well brilliant.. Just watch for yourself.

A mess and half. Not fully though.

2011-04-06T14:40:00.002+01:00

I deleted the last two post. It was ridiculously negative. I've been having a couple of bad weeks and just my luck, things are at boiling point.

I went for a walk and a read earlier, had a thought about this blog. Realised that for the past year or so, I sound like a really screechy moany ghost. Ffs, I really have become incredibly bitter.

But you know what I like about it? I've written as honestly as I could. In all that bitterness, I never lied about my selfish, self-degrading ways. When I go through the archives, I see a different person, in different years. As much as I say I've been the same person forever, I've gone from the ups to the downs. And I'm glad I can read and tell myself, what a loser I was, and maybe smile and think how stupid and immature I've been.

I admit, I've been incredibly selfish how I've treated people I care about for the last year. Thankfully, they are people who've understood me completely and never judged me once. I'm glad to have this wonderful faithful people in my life.

Anyway, I want to resume blogging like I used to. Taking the piss out of the most pointless things and sharing gems I stumble upon. Once or twice I've considered stop blogging, because there is hardly anyone who reads this. But it doesn't matter, this is a reminder to myself.

A collection of my own stupid rants and pointless ramblings.

Idiots, they come and go.

2011-02-19T14:01:00.002Z

This week has been shit. Full of idiots, nonetheless. I would have snapped today if I didn't walk away from the cinema earlier today.
I've had enough. I want something refreshing. I'm yearning to compete. I need to strive. Being complacent it not my nature. It's too easy to settle for mediocrity.
I've been banging on about this forever. My tipping point is not too far away.

Something needs to be done. BADLY.

A little culinary magic.

2011-02-09T13:02:00.005Z

And she cries herself to sleep.

2011-02-04T15:38:00.002Z

Hasn't been a great week.

Treading January

2011-01-09T10:05:00.002Z

January is never pleasant. It brings new hopes of the new year like a born again virgin and then takes it away like a whore in the 'Dam. Honestly, what's the deal, January? Why do you have to be so draggy and pointless?

When February comes, I'd be relieved like fuck. For realz.

Rush

2011-01-02T14:35:00.001Z

I swear I've not been excited in a very long time about a new year. But today I am. Just got this feeling everything gonna turn quite amazing :)

And for you too! x

You're no god.

2010-12-27T13:51:00.004Z

I wasted a good 15 minutes right before writing this. If I was to summarise how I've spent most of my time lately.

This year been of much content. Content but unhappy. You see, many confuse between this two fulfilling concept. Being content doesn't necessarily make you happy but being happy can make you content. You see the trickery. Yeah, too many things in the world got what ifs. I'd be lying if I say it doesn't do my head in.

This year was in fragments, the first five months purged in worklife and the other half made a come back to the academia. I've missed learning seriously. I also found a new pursuit to teach. Which has been, somehow, self fulfilling compared to the many other things I've done. Though lately I've been hit an uncertainty. I'm constantly unsure of what I want to do. Maybe if I stop trying to figure it, I'd strike genius.

Perhaps, I do enjoy routine secretly. Boring but consistent. Like the time I was in London. I immensely liked the fact that I was secured. Never worried about a single fly and spent my time like a boss. I know I bring up London too much. Without the past, you are not what you are.

Besides the fact that I want a husband who'd look like Arne Friedrich, I've not given any thought about such things. I revolt to even mention such things. Hold on to my words, someday I might change.

I'm content. Things are in its place, my life is utterly reclusive sometimes, the special appearance of wonderful friends. I'm itching to change. Perhaps, next week, next month, next year? Definitely.

Bisous.

When did you creep up?

2010-12-07T14:00:00.002Z

Dear December,

You've came too quickly this year. January feels like yonks ago. As if, I've never been there. This year's been pretty remarkable. Nice to have you down to a halt and not in chaos. The year was rather bites sized of a big chunk. First half of the year of working and the second going back to school. It's a nice balance. I've been very blessed. Sometimes, I feel like I have someone watching over me.

I've learnt to take it easy and slow down. But you know, in the back of my head that's the nagging voice that constantly tells me to move out of the comfort zone. Perhaps, the new year is a good time to start.

Guess, lots of have changed since. I'ven't been writing anything funny or whatsoever. I ramble more shit and make less sense. Get a bit repetitive. I'll stop it. Bring back the funnies next year. At least then, we'll all feel comfortable.

Euer,

The lazy twat.

Another lazy Sunday.

2010-11-14T08:41:00.003Z

Chocolate torte with ice cream and toasted pecans. Love me tender. The Voluntary Butler Scheme. Chuck Palahniuck. Rain.

I could never be more happier.

Oh it's so not clever.

2010-11-13T18:47:00.004Z

Sometimes, I do have strokes of brilliance. Lately, not so much. I've not been inspired to be bitchy, nor creative, nor be utterly fabulous. I've embodied apathy so well, I could be its international spokesperson.

As usual, my ideas to blog only ever seem to come out of some decent conversation I have with people I know. Paul has been bit of inspiration. I hope he never reads this. He'd go apeshit.

He is a very serious bloke. Perhaps, the very realistic views he has of the world has always fascinated me. In many ways, I'm not the most realistic person (half the time my brains are switched off completely) but I accept the world as it is only because I believe everything happens for a reason. That's what I understand about the order of the world.

Coming back to Mr. P, he touched a nerve when he told me, "kid, you got too much potential to waste. you need to get your act together".

He is right. I've comfortably slipped into this existence of apathy where I simply don't care about anything, as life takes its course. There's no force or anything to worry about. A bit of a broken record now, not like I care what you think. Somehow, since I went to London and back, I felt a light in me fading. The hunger for achieving suddenly gone. It's like sitting in a really comfortable sofa and not moving forever. Lazy bum.

Perhaps, a lot of us settle into this comfort zone once we are in an alright position. Cushy enough to be a reclusive. I take it for granted. I'll be honest, out of the massive circle of people I've known, I now only bother to talk to 4 or 5. Not many more than that. People are an effort I can't be bothered making. But with people, it's a whole new story. I think you probably know already.

Just that, I am VERY sick of myself and I want a crusade to fight for. Because this whole shit needs to be sorted. Soon.

People, people.

2010-10-31T16:57:00.004Z

Certain conversation strikes me deep. I met up with a good friend who I haven't seen in ages and has been in a little more than misery. We had a rather good chat about things and I'm just really happy she's alright. She's tough one..

But it got me thinking about people in my life. The number of people I used to know pitted against the number of people I see occasionally, is quite baffling. Have I really become a recluse? Possibly, I just can't be arsed for making an effort. Without sounding like a bitter person, to be an absolute social butterfly requires effort - time, money, and everything else. Personal goals become social goals or work goals even.

As much as I like to say true friends don't part; people change. People move on for their own reasons. Everyone's here with a personal agenda, no one is getting away alive either. I'm not terribly desperate as I was once to keep people from leaving. I try so very hard to keep in touch and let no strings break. Now, I'm not too bothered. I rather be spending time being a wanker on my own than to bother anyone else. There is always too much expectations, too much effort.

Brutally honest, I even feel I don't know a lot of people who have been in my life. Now, they are complete strangers and I'm perfectly happy.

Is it incredibly selfish if I said that I'm not bothered to associating myself with anyone unless they more or less have some benefit towards me? Not entirely, I suppose.

I've grown fond of the kids I hang out with in school. It's nice, despite a little age gap, that we get along. In different phases, we meet different people and we build the relationship on different basis. It's just nature taking its course.

Perhaps, wishfully I want to freeze a certain time we had and hope it last forever. Childish, really.

I'm very much thankful for the people who have come and gone in my life. They all represented a different phase, a different me even. If it's not too romantic to say that I'm on a journey to search for myself.

I'm very much influenced by the people around me; it's where I draw validation from. Sometimes, I hope I wasn't so dependent on someone else. Not too attractive that but entirely forgivable.

I guess, the kids will be alright.

A full circle

2010-10-21T19:21:00.002+01:00

It's hard not think that's it's been over a year I've been back and got on with life here. This time last year I was a right miserable fuck. Even Melvin couldn't say anything to calm me down. I'll be honest and tell you how badly I want to go back and how shit I felt about everything. I think we all need these times, to remind us of the blessing we have. I'm glad I've gotten over a lot of shit. And I'm glad that my friends have stuck with me through. Over the year, it's been a learning curve. A hard one but I'm glad got through it.

A forte isn't exactly in me.

2010-10-09T15:40:00.002+01:00

I've often said, I'm nothing. I got no talent, not incredibly sharp or smart, gets distracted too quickly and too much.

I guess the only thing I could do is work hard.

Bursting a pickle

2010-09-25T16:03:00.002+01:00

I miss that feeling. The rush of doing something extraordinary. Making a decision which is beyond your wildest dream.

Going through motions is not fun. I used to be highly dry sarcastic person with a lot of ambition. Now, I'm often in a "fuck off can't be arsed" mode. As if there is nothing to fight for.

There's no Melvin to shed light on my marvelous pointless thoughts about moving to Cuba anymore. I should have taken the chance when he offered. I adore him for doing crazy things. For taking bigger risks. So often, I used to undermine his "I'm too cool for school" attitude. The man hardly had reactions, no matter how dramatic or intense a situation was, while I'd freak out and worry and go apeshit over it. Jeff used to tease him and call him "Vanilla Ice" for being so under the bottom cool. How he'd say, "No biggie" to everything. He never told me everything. We were best friends but he was the quiet one. Probably most guys are like that. They shut up. If he told me about what really had happened, it would have saved so much pain. It broke my heart to hear untrue stories about someone I cared about so much who was hardly been next to me in the past 5 years. It's been over 2 years when I saw him last. I miss my best friend. I miss the kid who pushed me down the hill on a bike. I miss the rush of excitement when we used to sneak behind my dad's back. I miss his kind words that always told me to just have a little more faith in myself. I miss how he used to remember all my passwords and then mess up my email, msn and even this blog. How we used to get drunk and it never mattered if I burped too much. There's so much I want to tell him; so much to do together. I remember he said, "kid, don't forget that I'd never forget you even if they did". How he told me it's okay to cry if I really missed London and everything it meant to me. How he said the best he could do for me is to listen to my stupid jokes. Well only he got my dry sense of humour. Or maybe he pretended to get it. God knows.

Hope you are okay up there, dude. I miss ya.

Distractions

2010-09-20T13:56:00.002+01:00

I think I need to have a confession. I get distracted very easily. It's merely a second you need to make my thoughts shift really. Imagine having conversations with me.. I'd be off the topic within seconds. No wonder I don't have much friends.

At the moment, I should be studying for my midterms OR I should be working on my teaching manual OR practicing my french. But no, I choose to look at pointless websites.

With heaps of work to do and I still manage to moan about having too much on my plate. A bit like I've got all the steak I want and I still I complain about not having it cooked right.

It's not like I'm busy working, I'm just busy DISTRACTING myself from work. Internet is becoming more of an enemy to battle. There's just something that keeps popping up and makes my mind switch in matter of minutes.

I have to keep reminding myself of priorities. University, work, french. Well, that's the order of my working schedule. I'm not worried about the friends because they are always there.

I know I won't be happy to settle for a pass or C. It is, unfortunately, in my massive twatty head to do the best, the best in my crazy little ways. Maybe I need to trust God a little more and I'll get that honours in ease. Or maybe, I just don't want to fuck things up for the second time.

Doesn't matter what the result is in the end. As long as you got your convictions.

We all fall in love sometimes.

2010-09-16T14:24:00.003+01:00

There's something about Jeff Buckley's Grace that never fails to send chills down my spine every time I listen to it. I was watching an interview of him and there's something very mystical about him.

So pure, I can't quite put my finger on it.

In a way, I'm glad he's gone. He seems a lot more real.

Sticky yellow line

2010-09-08T16:07:00.003+01:00

Relieve.

2010-08-30T15:10:00.003+01:00

Sometimes we all think we can be superheroes and save the world. The truth is we are only human.

I guess, it's good that I've let go of things. Sometimes we have to be selfish about our happiness. And money, definitely, doesn't make me happy.

Mr. Friedrich, I'd like to marry you.

2010-08-22T18:23:00.004+01:00

I've finally chosen the template of my future husband. I dead hope he'd look like Arne Friedrich or something similar. Look at those eyes and jaw! My word.

Yup, I'm still a massive europhile.

A year.

2010-08-20T07:56:00.002+01:00

It's cliche enough to say, it's been a year. It has, unfortunately. I miss everything there, every single thing, every single day. My friends tell me to forget about it.

But how can I forget possibly the most cherishable year I had ever. A year which taught me so much.

Well a girl can dream. Someday, I'll go back for good.

Reclusiveness

2010-08-12T05:58:00.005+01:00

Have you ever had the feeling of shunning everyone and living in your own little bubble? In a little bubble filled with shoes and cotton-candied dreams.

I do. All the time. I have a strange desire to live like a hermit. Now, I'm one of those people who can be absolutely social and get along with people. But, I only to do it because I have to. Not that I want to. I'm not a bitter person. Like those grumpy ol' people who gets annoyed with others. I simply just want to be alone.

The past two months has been complete bliss. I stay home, do whatever I like through the day (which includes not having to brush my teeth if I didn't want to), drink as many cups of tea I wish to and be a complete vegetable if I desired. A bit like a tramp. Haha. Occasionally, I meet the handful of people that I'm comfortable enough. The people I don't have to make much effort with. Not that I take them for granted. They are the ones with whom I can be myself. No make-ups, no frills.

It's much easier, we make stupid jokes, talk absolute rubbish, be a twat and half. It's nice not to have to make the effort. I get bored of people very quickly. I get bored of making effort. So often, I find myself asking people out and stuff because I have to. It's tiring when you do all the work and sometimes, don't get anything back. Let's face it, I'm not a saint. I get bored and tired of being nice. Sometimes I just want to be absolutely sarcastic and dry. Not many people get this. Melvin did.

Ken told me, he felt the same recently. He just couldn't be arsed with people. Because we are not perfect. And it's selfish. Sometimes, when you think about it, it's much easier to be selfish. Just to do whatever on your own, no one to be disappoint or hurt. Sometimes, life's too short for that.

Since returning, I'm sick of people telling me to make the effort to do things out here. I'm sick of people telling me to let go. The point is "look, my life is fine here... I've got a good job, going back to uni, everything is okay with me... And the only other thing that keeps my hope alive is my little dream"

I don't have dreams to make difference in a community or whatsoever. If I could through whatever I do, great! If not, it's not the end of the world. I've come to accept that I can't do everything. I'm not perfect. Expectations only kill. I'm living for myself and a God above. That's all matters.

Don't get me wrong entirely. I cherish each and everyone of my friends. They matter a lot to me. And they've been nothing short of being a friend who understand and care. You know who you are. For now though, let me live in my little bubble.

Don't burst it so quickly for me. Thanks.

An inch for a mile.

2010-08-01T17:27:00.002+01:00

I've had a good Sunday. Well, since recently I've started teaching part-time to expats. It pays well and I'm more than happy to ditch everything else I've been doing to pursue this for a while, at least.

My first student was a horror of a case. The worst of his lot probably. Being new and naive, doesn't help too much when you teach. You need to pretend that you know your shit even if you don't know. I constantly feel like I'm not good enough for him as a teacher. Ah well.

But today, I taught my second student and her family. For someone high profiled and posh, the family was well humble. To be honest, I was well chuffed by their treatment, the eagerness and the proximity as a family. You can really see them helping one another. And I felt much more relaxed teaching.

With my first student, I go to each class fearing that I might get fired for not being good enough. His expectations are, sometimes I feel, beyond my abilities. It's great at the same time because I could stretch my limits. Since returning, I'ven't felt this challenged to do something.

I find it great that I could add teaching to my already over the top resume.

It's becoming a bit like, "So, what hasn't Lex ever done" -___-

I'm now a social media whore.

2010-07-29T09:45:00.003+01:00

FML indeed.

For the price of a cup of tea

2010-07-27T15:01:00.001+01:00

Story of my life, currently...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3za2qahgUAQ&feature=related

Enjoy!

Chocolate mousse dreaming

2010-07-23T14:16:00.003+01:00

I've been yearning for some chocolate mousse. Some lush, fluffy, melt in your mouth kinds. I think it's bit cruel I can't really have them because I'm sick.

Being sick, somehow, has become some form of important decision making times. Yes, obviously my body is trying to say something about how badly I've been abusing it of late.. (Eating so unhealthy and being busy is not an excuse). The problem with me is I try to do too much sometimes. This time I agreed to do a fair few things and somehow there is a lot of expectation on me. I hate it but apparently my OK job is a lot of work to others. I end up doing even more than I should. I dread it. That's why I have a huge fear of failure. I'm not scared of dying but I'm much more scared of FAILING.

I've failed many times but I'm shit at it. I fail, moan and moan till the days don't end. Thankfully, I have brilliant friends who put up with my shit so much that sometimes I feel sorry for them.

Becoming sick, its just a sign that I need to get my pace sorted and it can't be always "GO GO GO!". I'm a bit annoyed at someone right now, because having to do all the work I have to and getting paid equally for doing more shit. It's not funny. I'm allowed to rant, don't I?

At this point, I'm very much thankful for all the opportunities that has come my way. I'm rather chuffed that I won't have to worry about not having enough. God's been far too kind. Just need to sort myself out and get back in focus. Need this fever to sweat it off.

Amanda's coming back next week, I'm well happy that she'll be back here but then again, I want the best for her. God willing, she'll get what she wants. I miss her a lot. :)

And you bet, we'll be indulging on proper chocolate mousse when she's back.

This time, I might even make it from scratch.

Lex lamest guide to World Cup ends. meh...

2010-07-15T16:48:00.012+01:00

You see, I didn't rush out to blog about the finals this year. Cause I wasn't honestly bothered. Because we all knew that Spain was going to hold the ball till the end and score one shit goal and then blag about it for the next 10 years. The game was terribly boring, it was nothing but an absolute dogfight. I swear De Jong karate kicked and tried to kill Alonso and THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN A RED CARD! Twats.

I reluctantly cheered for the Dutchies because I just hated glory hunting Spain. TWATS.

Robin was no Batman but Saint Iker could fly apparently :/

Though there was plenty of eye candy - Van Persie, Fabregas, Sneijder, Alonso all made me gasp like I've had an orgasm or something.

The Germany-Uruguay game the night before was much more exciting. Glad that Muller scored and that kid deserved the Golden Boot more than Sneijder or Villa. He was much more hardworking and worldclass to speak of... I think we have another Klose in the making, after all the kid is just 20. For all we know, he very well could beat Ronaldo's record in future.

I don't know if anyone read about the story where Ballack's agent called the team a bunch of gays for not playing hardball.Band of brothers and gaylords?Everyone, meet my brand new camp crew!

I'm very much curious who are the gay lords of Germany team. I'd go hunt them down and make them join my posse! The Ozil kid does have a nice butt, he possibly could be one.Loew: My precious....

Mertesacker and Friedrich would make an awesome gay power couple. Though I'd really want it to be Muller! haha... I'm such a wanker.

This World Cup been an utter meh.. Not much drama or exciting games.

Everyone were really a bit up their arse really.

Lex lamest guide to World Cup continues.. sadness ensues :(

2010-07-09T08:11:00.016+01:00

The Germany-Spain game left me depressed. I couldn't bear to watch the game when it was on, went to sleep when there was just 5 mins left of the game. I couldn't bear to watch the Germans getting beaten like that.

True, they were nothing like how they've been playing.. Spain was just too frustrating - keeping the ball in possession the whole time and not much attacking going on.
Everytime Klose or Ozil tried to score, they got marked off too quickly or either they are not in position. It was absolutely fucked. Ozil didn't deserve the foul, where as it should have been a free kick at least. God, I nearly wanted to ball my eyes out. I even had a nightmare. So so gutted.

In this World Cup, Germany really proved that they are good, somewhat an affable team even. There's just an air of coolness and humbleness with the Germans and they aren't sore losers like the Argies or Brazilians.. I'd love to have seen them in the finals against Holland. It'd be fcking amazing. Guess it's not in for Klose, Schwienstiger, Mertersacker, Friedrich, Podolski and Lahm. We've seen them through 3 tournaments and its quite heartbreaking. Oh well. Let's hope Muller, Ozil and co would achieve it at some point.

Hopefully, Klose will be fit to play this weekend for the 3rd place and at least score that one goal for his world record.

As for Spain, cross your fingers, toes and balls that the Dutch will slaughter them. In style, no matter what that stupid octopus predicts.

Lex lamest guide to World Cup continues.. ahaks!

2010-07-05T15:33:00.027+01:00

Man, can't believe it's gonna be over in a few games. A bit gutted that I didn't write much. To be honest, there hasn't be much for me to blog about... This season has lacked the drama it should had, lacked the showmanship from the so-called world class players... Where are the Kaka, Ronaldo, Rooney and Messi? All gone home! Boo-hoo! The funniest one was the England-Germany game. All I could do is laugh! hahahahaha XD

The quarter finals has been very exciting, it's really nice to see the Dutchies beating the crap out of Brazil and Germans getting ruthless over Argies... That game was well Messi... (sorry, I had to!)

Ronaldo was a downright TWAT. Nothing but a sore loser. Brazil nothing less disgraceful. When they should be playing the best, they seem to just not perform. Instead, prance around like a bunch of pansies!Adios Maradona, no prayers gonna help you! You coke snotting madman -__-

Absolutely disappointing, after all they are the faces of many brands but when they lose, they lose like proper idiots. Shame!

I'm well excited about the next round, Germany vs Spain would be crazy.Muller ready to pounce those twats O_o

Germans have been pushing it through and through. Muller has been gotta to be the best new star and Klose closing into his twilight years. I do desperately want to see him at least win the cup instead of settling for 2nd place or 3rd place. Damn that octopus, it'd better be wrong about Spain getting through.

There was something gay bout Kuyt and Sneijder... you just know it! ;)

Say, Spain does get through, I'd love to see the brand new Dutch team to skin them alive. Let's see if the Oranje's 100% record remains.

It's been funny to see as usual, how GAY footballers can be really... pfft..

No lovin' for Van Persie :(

Spain can teach the rest about men piling... And public orgy continues...

Germany still not gay ENOUGH to do the ULTIMATE men pile... sigh

Terry wants a piece of Klose... but he ain't getting it!

Unfortunately, Mertesacker is a giant of his own right... Gerrard is no competition!

Check out those guns... funny how he looks so much like Ljungberg no?

And the ever fabulous Fabregas... God, that man is gorgeous!
To be honest, this is the most boring world cup season I've gone through. In the mean time, keep yer fingers crossed for ze Germans. Cheers!

Stickin' out for the gay 'uns

2010-07-03T13:32:00.004+01:00

You probably know by how much I love my gay boys... I adore each one of them to bits - Dorian, James, Matt, Gid, Jamie and Riann. <3

I decided to take up a part time teaching job recently and guess who's my very first student... A gay Brit journalist. Ah! Perfect. I told my mum and she was like, "You are destined for them, is it?" haha... I'm happy how my mum's reaction towards my gay friends has changed. Instead of judging them by their sexual orientation, she agrees with me about looking at them as an individual.

You see, many people get me wrong, provided the fact that I hang out with a lot of gay people and I am a Christian. The thing is I don't condone or go all out to convert every single gay men I know to the other side. What I don't agree is going against nature.

My pastor recently told me how he felt disgusted at the idea of men kissing and we as Christians should bring them back to being a 'normal' man. Another friend (whom I've mentioned many times in this blog in the past) told me, "You know people who are workaholics, usually turn gay or spinster". What honestly ticks me off about both this statements is that how ignorant they've truly been about the gay society.

I for one can vouch how my boys truly feel and are. Being gay is not as simple as a choice you choose to take when you run out of luck with your opposite sex. It something they've been born with. It is in their nature. Something they are born with. Honestly, I found it hard to believe when I was a bit more naive. Now, tell me if it's not against their nature to turn straight? How is that supposed to fare out?

What I want to point out is, something that born out of a recent conversation, being gay is not a preference of who you wanna have sex with. It's about who you want to love and care about. Who you want to, in the end of the day, cuddle up with to watch a DVD... If I wasn't being prude, well if someone, regardless, men or women, shoves their hand down your genitals, you'd still get turned on. I believe love is beyond being sexual. Sex is just a fraction.

Perhaps, in wise ol' word of Calvin, I blame society.

A simple explanation - survival of the fittest. So often, we do view people who don't conform into society's expectation to be weak or weird. And ousting them from the society. The problem has been and will always be in the people. Religions have amazing theories and philosophies but the ones who ruin it are the people. I don't blame either my friend or pastor, they are just ill-informed, partially by the society and the other factors. Just like how a lot of people think that gay men are camp. That's a stereotype right there for you.

We are not perfect and we all have our shortcomings. So does the gay community. They, too, are people with feelings and struggle day to day. In fact, it's harder for them. I admire how James and Matt have been through. They are just an amazing couple and I truly admire the compassion, loyalty and strength they have together. They simply love each other. The logic is as simple as that.

The underlying message in the bible is LOVE. To love someone, all you have to be is yourself.

It is as simple as that.

Cba

2010-07-01T21:53:00.002+01:00

This place is so dead even Willesden cemetery would be much more lively...

Lex's lamest guide to World Cup continues.. with a bit of drama

2010-06-25T15:33:00.025+01:00

So, it's gonna be the knockout stage games tomorrow already and boy, has it been interesting... The 2006 finalist are both out and off... Italians were abso-fcking-lutely horrific! Their games were shit and honestly, did they really care? Erghh! Even Cannavaro, Gattuso or Pirlo couldn't do any good. It was PATHETIC.They did sing their hearts out like it was their last game... -___-

Even Cannavaro never looked so distressed! The only exciting thing about the Italians was Cannavaro taking his kit off! God, I'd be missing His Deliciousness! Oooft!

As for the French, I never liked them, they deserved that for what they did to the Irish during the qualifying round! Bwahahaha...

England managed to scrap it through, they still got shit loads to prove. Honestly, I think Germany is going to batter them tomorrow!Piccy time for the Germans.. they ALWAYS look confused!

Deutschland has been quite unlucky... Klose got a red card unnecessarily in that ridiculous game against Serbia with that twat of a referee! Luckily they pulled back their weight... we need more those 10-0 games from them!

Band of Brothers

That was totally uncalled for!
Are they laughing at Klose's bad luck?! TWATS. -__-

Surprisingly, the team that pulled a miracle something close to that was Portugal. Fab goals came from Tiago and a ridiculously funny one from slimey Ronaldo... Honestly, I hope his face gets smashed tonight by Brazil!

It was quite disappointing for Kaka... Another uncalled for red card drama! Erghh...

Argentina and Holland has skidded through smoothly... God, I'm proud of the Dutch boys.. 100% record.. The Oranje are insane after all... Funny highlights: Van Persie slapped a Japanese player LOL... Maradona still got his crazy antiques going on the sidelines and Messi sometimes look like he lost his plot LOL..

Japan and South Korea has done well to represent the Asians! The bankers of New Zealand have done their land proud, they seriously played such good games. Banker by day, international footballer by night, seems to be fine by them! How cool is that?!NZ's Ryan Nelsen has got it going, babehhh...

So far, it has been a luke warm World Cup... nothing really overtly shocking and not too dead boring either.. I can't wait for the fire to pick up in the knock out stages... Bring it on, I say!

Lex's lamest guide to World Cup is back yet again!

2010-06-16T12:45:00.010+01:00

Don't mind the super long title. I hold on it dearly these days because it reminds of good times I've once had with a very good buddy of mine.

The mother of all the football events is here and honestly all I can say this year is "WHAT THE FCK?!". Obviously everyone dreams of lifting the Holy Grail of a World Cup... but man, the quality of games have been so shit, I'd rather watch an entire season of Peep Show! Even the controversy about the Vuvuzelas is more exciting.. ZZZZZZZZZZZZ anybody?

Still, I've got lots to say about it... (when will I ever stop bitching ever?!) haha...

Terry: Mate, I need a hand.

Johnson: Sorry mate, I don't go there

The first round of first round has been shit disappointing... You get these so-called world class players and they just underperform. Perhaps, there's a massive expectation upon them. Drogba & Ronaldo: Gossip Girls!

The opening games were too intense, it seemed like everyone had their knickers in a twist! The other games didn't get any better... the first goal of the season came from Korea surprisingly. So there, Park Ji-Sung has been picking up tips from the Fergie!The fat round oily man of Football.

And the following game, the Don of Football, Maradona appears and looked nothing less than a cocaine dealing mafia! It was proper scary watching his antiques on the field, made me think whether he was on the powder or not... That game was rather exciting. And everything else in between was depressing. Italy and France was just in the gutter!

No, that's not a wax statue of Beckham...

Don't get me started on England honestly. Sorry but you guys aren't gonna save the world EVER! So forgetaboutit. I thought watching Beckham sitting on the sideline with his sour face was much more exciting than the game honestly. You'd never expect such a range of expression from doll face! Spain was another disappointment... I guess, they were just a bit up their arses since everyone's been touting them to win. I guess not, you pretty boys!

I'm happy to take the stick for supporting Germany. By far, they've been the only team calculating enough and made the rest of the teams look effortless. You can always rely expect them to give the performance like they are going to war.

And then you have the biggest underdog of this year's tournament, North Korea. I'm gonna zip my mouth on this. Well, just incase if I get hunted down and killed by missile! >.<

In order to reach football zen... you need balance your balls just like Pique!

I guess the beginning has been quite slow. It'd probably pick up it's pace somewhere in the middle of the tournament. What's football without a bit of drama, diving and crying? ;)

Over and out.

Bummer...

2010-06-01T14:31:00.002+01:00

I'm such a wanker. My job has finally come to an end. Well me and the team got terminated by the management. Oh well. All good things must come to an end.

I've had very very good past 5 months. It definitely helped me recover. From the previous job, bad times and of course, returning from London.

People at work were great - they taught me, laughed with me and we had good times. It's been a pleasure.

I needed that. I needed to bounce back and be myself again. Now, I'm ready for another phase. I'm proud of what I've went through all these phases. From strength to strength. From one emotion to another. The people I've met. Each one of them have made a difference. I've been blessed.

Life is an orgasm. Simply because.

Fat. With the capital F

2010-05-16T13:36:00.002+01:00

Matt told me the other day over skype, "Oh honey, have you got fat? Seriously, I mean the FAT.. with a massive capital F!"

Now, that really called the shots for me! When you have a gay man call you fat, it's a serious business! No kidding. I've always been on the chubby side (well that's what I always thought, though everyone told me otherwise). Matt especially, used to reassure me how great I look, personally I think he was jealous of my boobs really. Haha!

But since I've been back (especially after recovering from the major fever I had once), I've been eating tons. I'm not joking. Eating seemed to be a comfort, even Lydia pointed out how I was eating my feelings. Even skinny Melvin said, I might be depressed and having an eating disorder where I just kept eating. And I think it has taken it's toll now!

I'm easily a size 14/16 now from the 10/12 I was. No time for heaving a sigh. I'm gonna get back to exercising and eating healthier! Honestly, I feel like shit and I don't think I can go any more longer eating crap and getting fat! It's a massive no-no. I'm not gonna be a fat ass slaggy fag hag and I'll never be!

Of course, there's gonna be a need for lots of discipline. I can be a cold turkey quitter easily but key to everything wonderful and perfect in life is consistency.

So all my gay boys, listen up! Your fairy queen will be back looking ever more fabulous as she's ever been!

Buckle up ;-)

Those little tedious nonsense

2010-05-09T11:41:00.003+01:00

I reckon I needed better housekeeping here. Instead of soppy ol' news. Honestly I'm becoming more of mush in this blog. Well, partially because no one reads it. Even Melvin. Who is now happily vacationing in South America by himself. (I hope he gets abducted by a cocaine kingpin! bwahahaha).

I'm getting a wee excited about World Cup already. Definitely I'll bring back my edition of World Cup blogging series. ATTENTION: All hot footballers to report!

haha.

I'm gutted that Chelsea will be walking away with the title this year. I'm gutted how well Arsenal played at the beginning and became shit at the end! Major FAIL. Though the highlight has to be Scholes getting some major lip service from Neville. I wonder if Beckham was ever jealous when he watched that!

In other news, UK politics is funnier than The Mighty Boosh. Honestly, the guy who finished 3rd gets the power to choose the government. WTF?! LOL.

Ah well... that's how the world goes, innit? We are all doomed and I'm gonna be rich. Wahhey!

New dish.

2010-05-01T14:46:00.002+01:00

I thought Prince of Persia would be shit. One of the best perks of my job is that I get to go for media premiere (which is usually about 2 weeks or so before... but this one was a month before! WIN!). I was surprised... It was fcking good, perhaps the low expectations helped too. But I've discovered my new obsession. Oh no, it's Jake Gyllenhaal. O_O

Tomorrow's just an idea

2010-04-18T11:16:00.002+01:00

Please don't wake me up and tell me that I'm dreaming. Because I already know.

Sounds all stupid sometimes and I know, some are annoyed. But honestly, I really and truly don't care.

I'm perfectly fine on my own. And I'll still love you.

Just a random note. I hope you are okay x

Meeting places

2010-04-10T05:54:00.003+01:00

The past week hasn't been the best of times but I reckon I've had worst. I'm not too bothered about losing the job (since the boss says there is hope to rescue it all). But then again, it doesn't help with having colleagues, who are all a bit demotivated. I love them all the same.

The thing that made me feel rather sad about losing the job - it was good. I love it - the job, the colleagues, the coffee-machine with ants in it, the far away parking. Its become routine, I guess.

(omg, did I just say routine?! Horror cue!)

Having had a shit experience previously with certain ex-colleagues, I was a bit determined to make it work. And things are well. I'm happy that I like them a lot. They are a great bunch to have a laugh with. I'll miss them dearly, if I ever left.

I felt like I was leaving London again. The epitome of every amazing happened in my life, possibly. Well, at least so far.

People are strange things. And I'm a marmite. Either you'll like me or hate me. I do have a reputation of being an absolute c**t. Thank you very much!

There were many I was close to but eventually that wore off. Then, there were I got on with like house on fire but it got burned down, fo' real! And the one who didn't bother much. Of course, the good friends who always were there all the time, who never faded away at all. I'm thankful for all of course.

Perhaps, that's the beauty of people really. You meet some, you gain some, you lose some and you will always have some. Even if it was your childhood imaginary friend! Ahaks!

I miss a lot of people that I was once close to. In fact, there's one who I do miss a lot, fresh of the oven. I really do hope to see them again and share a laugh like we used to. Maybe I won't.

One thing I know for sure is that I'm gonna meet more people, friends to be made, memories to be cherished, times to go mad and just take a breath of fresh air together.

Life's all good.

Crying my eyes out

2010-04-02T17:01:00.002+01:00

Why does life fucks you so bad the moment you thought everything was ok?

Leopard Skin Pill Box Hat

2010-03-31T15:25:00.002+01:00

WARNING: This post might include excessive use of foul language. If you are offended, you can fuck off!

I tell you who's the coolest scientology mofo is. BECK fcking HANSEN!

Now, if you know me enough, or possibly seen my playlist, you would well know that the fact how much I love Beck that I have every fcking song from every fcking album! Gimme Beck any day, I'll happily get stoned listening to his music.

Sometimes I feel the media is such a bitch to him just because he is a scientologist. Honestly, the man deserve a break from those so-called music *cough* bullshit *cough* journalist. This man, very much brought a new wave of artistic/multi-instrumentalist/cool ass shit artist. I don't remember anyone more sobering doing this though.

Just a few minutes ago, I got on his myspace page and took a listen to 'Leopard Skin Pill Box Hat'. The original one, if you knew, is written and sung by old-grizzly-I'm-not-dying-but-I'm-up-my-arse Bob Dylan. Don't get me wrong, I think Dylan has written some of the best songs ever around. Beck's version, however I thought, nailed it. Dylan does have a rather unpleasant dying tone to him. The song definitely needed a decent attitude to it and Beck pulled it off quite well. Ah of course, always expect Beck to pull off a decent pop song! ha!

Honestly, I'm quite indifferent to music. I only like those I've been exposed to, I guess. I like my soppy ol' tracks to a proper rage out rant rap to hardcore drum and base tunes to funky 60s beats. I'm still finding new and old music every other day. That's the beauty of it, there's always something around the corner.

Nerves

2010-03-26T12:23:00.002Z

Sometimes I don't know why I get so annoyed. No matter what I do, I try my very best to make things work. I hate it when it doesn't. I'm quite adamant about working out things my way. Sometimes it's just me being stubborn. Being that, I so often trod on others. I need to be careful because I might end up losing people who mean a lot to me again.

Captivated?

2010-03-14T07:16:00.002Z

It's been a while since I last read a good book. The last was Nick Hornby's 'A Long Way Down'. It was funny, least to say.

Deb, a good friend who now has left for the Stateside, gave me this book called 'Captivating' as a birthday/leaving gift. Needless to say, I was rather excited about reading the book. Not because it was a massive mind fuck fiction but it was about being a woman.

To be very frank, I've hardly felt feminine in my ways. I've always been one of the boys and the so-called everyone's best friend who'll never find herself a man. Oh well, what can I do. But as I went through the book, for some reason I felt I've been lying to myself. Well, just about the fact that I'm going to die miserably lonely (like a certain Tom Cruise pointed out recently. twat!)

As much as I love to be vulnerable in this public domain, I shouldn't be afraid to do so. After all, no one reads it. LOL

But I guess, that vulnerability is what makes a woman so captivating in her ways. The need to be romanced, assured, saved and rescued. Perhaps, all that fairy tales has nothing wrong with them - you know, all that nonsense about propagating gender roles etc. Have we not thought, it is just naturally how woman are meant to be. Not weak and helpless but just to be adored and loved. In the end, all of us want to love and be loved.

I find it to be completely agreeable. I'm not being all mush but I guess, there's nothing wrong in being open with your feelings. I don't see a point of containing all your feelings and not let it flow. I'd say, that I wouldn't want to be seen as a woman who is strong that I need no one. That's not true - I'd be a wreck if not for my friends and the Big Guy. I guess, it's really simple, we all just need each other. Isn't that captivating?

Or I'm just cheesy. :)

Bitter like a grouch

2010-03-13T03:03:00.002Z

Sometimes I wonder why I get so bitter. To think of it, I cringe. Generally, I'm just a happy person but sometimes I do feel I'm trapped in some relationship. I'm referring to my dad.

I guess, you can't make everyone happy.

22

2010-02-27T14:01:00.003Z

I didn't blog on my birthday this year; haven't really been blogging much lately anyway. Have to say, lately I've been quite occupied with work. Work keeps me focused and as much as I get distracted easily, work always has been a priority. Guess, it's just a sense of responsibility.

Turning 22, for some odd ass reason, has made me feel rather old. Someone said I was 26, another was shocked at the fact I was 22. Honestly, I'm not shocked or insulted. It's just what I am now really. Sometimes, I do feel I've grown way too quickly and sometimes I'm quite impressed at my own wisdom. But hey, I'm still full of myself! ha.

Perhaps, London made me feel young for a moment; well, girls there look easily older than me any day! LOL.

There's lots more for me to do; I need to start my degree, finish it, to go back to London, to live in France, to travel, to fall in love with God, eat lots of gelatis in Italy, fall in love, write a book, meet more people, learn to cook... gosh the list is pretty endless for me. I know I'm not going to stop since I'm a stubborn little pig. Despite being depressed at some point, I guess I needed that just to realise what I do really want in this life. For me, it's pretty simple, I just want to be happy and make sure people around me are happy too.

To be fair, I'm not all that soppy, bitter, depressed or dramatic as I sound. I'm really am a boring ol' cow. Must listening to all that intense Rachmaninov's piano concerto makes me feel rather dramatic.

At the moment, I'm contented with what I have. God has His timing and I trust in that. Just gotta wait I guess.

I'm doing fine.

Wish I had a photograph

2010-02-20T13:47:00.002Z

Of a year ago. I had possibly one of the funniest birthdays ever. It involved getting lost in a gay bar to another bar. Then, eating burgers, lazy afternoon, canceled tubes, chasing a bus, getting lost, waiting forever, pigging out, walking in the cold, drinking tequila, getting lost in Waterloo and going church, drinking ribena, walking home, smiling like an idiot, being hungover, watching football, eating chinese and drinking wine.

I never had a photograph of them. I miss myself in London.

Sunday love

2010-02-14T12:50:00.002Z

Fries without salt. Chocolate milk. The rare empty streets of Old Klang Road. It was a pleasure.

I'm just a cheesy mofo <3

My little wish

2010-02-12T14:11:00.002Z

Someday I'll marry a banker, have a baby boy and live in a huge house.

or maybe not. :/

who knows haha. I miss taking pretty pictures. I think I've lost my plot again.

A state of emptiness

2010-02-01T13:44:00.002Z

Today morning I woke up feeling empty. As if I had nothing in my life. I drove to work and felt utterly miserable at work. I've been eating a lot. Something is massively not right with me. I can't work it out in my head. As if I need a bit of space, as if I need to hurry up. I don't know.

But Amanda had a point, I should grow my hair back long.

Fyfe, you silly boy

2010-01-21T13:33:00.004Z

I have a new crush developed on Fyfe Dangerfield. I think it's more to the fact I've grown fond of skinny British boys with messy hair and big blue eyes. *melts*

Oh gosh, I'm dumbfounded.

The world revolves around me. I said, ME!

2010-01-16T13:36:00.003Z

I'm selfish I know. I live in my own little world of imagination and how blur and dazed I always look, it's just me drifting away into perfect sugar coated world.

Today's been one of those days. I cleaned, baked a cake and did fuck all. Ah, the joys. Reminds me the time I spent in London. I was a lot of my own, so it was perfectly fine for me to go for long walks, sit in some park and scribble away in my Moleskin or just go for a bite. Perfect, carefree days whether or not the sun came out.

These days, I get so bored that my only possible activities of excitement are food-related. Oddly, I find this strange satisfaction of puddings and pasta, while baking is terrificly helpful in just shutting out the world. No wonder I've growing rather fat. Oh Lord, help me!

So often than not, I seem to end up in jobs where I need to socialise and the fact I need to be 'connected'. I need to be on the ball constantly and track down stuff. There's lots of catch up I need to do in my current job. Don't get me wrong, I do what I do because I want to. Then again, I wish to have a life outside that. I've stubborn enough that I previously jeopardised my job. But I've learned from my mistake. The world, unfortunately like I've said many times, doesn't revolve around me.

I think it's about finding the balance really, we can always try but whether or not it works, it's not ours to determine. Sadly. The thing with me is, I just can't be arsed with people. Everyone's a fcking effort and the only ones I care about are the close ones. The ones I probably die without.

As much as I refuse to compromise, I realise I don't have much of a choice either. I just have to deal with it until someday, hopefully, things change for the better. In the back of my head, I want to go back to London so badly. I still do ache for it. I know I will get there eventually.

For the mean time, I'll just earn some ringgit and try to get that degree out of my way.

What was bitterness before, I'm slowly learning to turn it to will power. Staying bitter is not gonna help me or people around me, so why bother?

Instead, I'm just gonna do what I do best. And I believe the rest will fall into place.

There's the Big Guy watching.

Reason #239 why I'm fat.

2010-01-13T13:13:00.006Z

and oh, meet the purple jumper mofo.

Rainy sunday

2010-01-10T09:48:00.002Z

I love it when it rains on Sunday afternoon. Something awfully calming about it.

Work's been good so far. I feel things are falling into places and I'm happy.

I'm just happy.

Laundry

2010-01-05T13:22:00.006Z

Rob Jones' a genius. I'd love a piece of the doe-y eyed Foolish boy. The world needs the naiveness, creativity and head-bopping tunes he's been dishing out. I'm banking on this boy.

'To swim to you, if you want me to... Swim to you in the handwashed water' or 'I overdo it everytime, like a TV chef adding too much seasoning'. Genius or what?

Welcome new age poets with hopeless hearts that would trump any cynical bastards. ha!

Stick it on your post it.

2010-01-02T14:54:00.002Z

I'm so broke. pfft. such a long fucking month! New job on Monday.

Made some meatballs. I'm so fat.

I need monaaaaaaaayyyyy.

meh *dies*

Maybe tomorrow you're gonna be alright.

2009-12-31T03:54:00.002Z

I have no words or phrase to describe this year. It was eventful beyond what I expected. Perhaps, the mere fact, I had no expectations and how this year turned the tables on me. Most part of the year I was in London, and when I returned home, I think I've repeatedly said this, it was a wake up call.

It was a strange year, I had the funniest times of my life and strangely one of the worst too. In the decade scale, I can't even choose where exactly to start; there's been too much drama every where and I don't exactly want to speak of it.

But being 21 was possibly the best time I've had my entire life:

A year I was so carefree, it didn't bother me if I had enough money or not.

The year I've learnt to become reclusive and not be apologetic about it, I realised it's okay if I didn't need to be with lots of people.

A year I've graduated to become the ultimate fag hag. Literally.

A year I fell in love with someone I shouldn't.

A year I learnt reality is unfortunately a bitch but that doesn't mean I must be cynical and bastardised everything under the sun.

A year I found more friends who cherished me, even if it was for the moment, friends who for once I never doubted.

A year he taught me that sometimes nothing else matter, just have fun.

Perhaps that's what I'm going to do for the new year. Just have fun, fuck thinking too much and all that shit. As reclusive I want to be, there are friends I care about and possibly can't go on without, and you people know who you are. Next year, I just want to take things easy and let God take his course. After all, the Big Man knows it all. It's best to put Him in control.

Happy New Year you. X

It's Christmas, bah.

2009-12-25T01:44:00.003Z

I don't mean to be all bitter and Scrooge-like during this seasons but sometimes, that's how I've felt about Christmas. Its more for disgust I have for people who can be utter nuisance this time of the year.

This year, I don't wish for anything, nor do I want anything. I'm gutted about the fact that I'm here and things always seem to look bleak even at the times they don't. Last night, I lied awake thinking about what happen in the past year. So often I keep pondering on something I had, which felt surreal to me. I'm sure my friends are sick of me talking about London. I really do sound like a broken record player.

The thing is it's more of a subconscious thing; I've learnt to move on with my life here and moan and bitch about everything in my sight here. I don't feel safe here. The comfort is missing.

I've been thinking a lot lately about traveling; wine in outskirts of France, cigars in Cuba, jamon in Spain. But I do know that I'd need to focus for the next three years and complete my degree. The fucked up part about me is that I know what I need to do, what I want and how I can get it yet I yearn for something I can't have. I'm such a sick bastard.

I know there's a huge part of me doesn't want to let go and another part that wants to close chapters so badly.

This Christmas is just not right. I feel utterly miserable and just want to cave in and not go anywhere. But there's a Christmas dinner I need to cook for and friends to meet. I guess my life revolves around people instead of myself.

Guess that's the difference between Scrooge and me.

Merry Christmas everybody. X

I got not much to say

2009-12-12T02:32:00.004Z

I guzzled some wine and went to bed. Had the weirdest dream ever.

The days of my life.

Those blue skies were a lie

2009-12-08T13:21:00.005Z

I spoke to James on Sunday. It felt surreal. It felt as if we've never met each other. James said it's been over a year since we had our week long post Christmas festivity, when we just drank heaps of mulled wine, got stoned, watched TV and slept like logs. I reckoned time flew, and things seemed it never actually happened.

That's how I feel about London now. Somehow I feel as if I've not been there, somehow it feels like a near dream. Something I possibly got woken up from. Dorian said the same thing about it, how unbelievable the fact that we met during my 21st birthday weekend and tottering off across the streets of London was just earlier this year. It is December now.

I miss all the little things. Chorizo sandwiches, endless cups of tea, bottles of wine, cheese, the dodgy streets of Brixton, bus number 3, Pimlico, cappucino and croissants, long walks, Mark's and Spencer's dessert pots, Waitrose, Thames, Victoria line tube, Borough, gelato, The Windmill, tapas, gay bars, and the Veitnamese take away.

I wish I could relive all that just to make the memories real. I usually don't care much about traveling and capturing moments, I just go places and do what I want to. London has a very special place in my heart. I'm more of a Londoner than I'm KL-ite. I wish someday I'll get back there for good. James told me that life's too short for wishing. But I think without hopes and dreams, our lives have no significance whatsoever; they keep us going. It gives me a reason to live another day.

London seems very far again. Like how it was before it all happened.

Someday I'll go back there... and James, I'll teach you a lesson about hope.

Guilty pleasure makes me happy.

2009-11-27T04:22:00.002Z

I've done it yet again. What a sucker.

Food, oh glorious, food.

2009-11-22T03:03:00.010Z

WARNING: Post NOT HALAL!

Lately, I've been so bored that I had to put my cooking skill back into test, just to make sure I'm not a shit cook, like my ex-flatmates thought I was. Oh well.

Last week I cooked a sunday roast with Nic for his family and couple of friends. In the past few days, I've baked chocolate cake for my brother, made various sandwiches, cooked pasta pesto for dinner, baked a carrot cake, and today I'm thinking of buttermilk pancakes with cherries!

No wonder I've grown a bit fat since I recovered from my fever. The only thing that seemed to keep me occupied these days is food. There's this incredible rush I get out of going shopping of grocery - I just go crazy of aisles of food and all things edible!

Massaging and pulling the pork belly seemed so therapeutic. Something so disgusting yet relaxing.

I seemed to be at focus while I cook, I have to admit I have an obsession over making sure my food tasting good. Honestly, it gives me sheer pleasure when I see friends enjoy my food. It's cheesy, but who said I can't be?

I love my food simple, I think that's just an enormous beauty about a simple plate of char kuey teow. I miss the days when Melvin and I used to sneakily go off food hunting in the wee hours of the morning. I remember the first time I had bak kut teh, 3am somewhere in Bukit Bintang. Man, it was good!

In London, though at first I was eating bad food, I eventually discovered the wonders of Borough Market and restaurants serving wonderful meals. It was completely unforgettable, so were the handful of bad meals.

I get awfully stroppy when I don't get food or if I get served a bad meal. I just can't settle for mediocre meals because they exist so. Might as well jump and die then if your existence is so mundane.

Having said that all that, it remains the fact that I hate onions with all my life. I blame the texture.

My brother cleverly suggested, "If you ever want to open a cafe, I'd be up for investing." How nice. Perhaps it was the chocolate cake that was talking. *grin*

Reality got me bad

2009-11-07T11:44:00.002Z

I have a mundane job and no life. London was an illusion. It's already been robbed from me.

Now I'm paying the price.

Life is fucking unfair. Thank you very much.

The midnight child of mine

2009-10-22T04:17:00.004+01:00

*pic was deleted because it scared tooooooooo many people away... sorry for the inconvenience. :)*

Everyone, meet Rory. My new midnight child. He loves wine and cheese and tea just like me. Someday, we'll sit on the green pastures, drink chilled wine and eat cheese on crackers.

meh. really. no. please. go. die. thank. you. :)

The epicurean in me..

2009-10-19T05:50:00.002+01:00

... misses the finer things in life...

sigh, I need patience for the next 3 years to pass...

Oh will my dream ever come true?

2009-10-12T17:14:00.005+01:00

The one girly feat I seemed to have honed my skill at is wearing 4" heels. Don't ask me why I actually do feel comfortable in them. Perhaps, its just the classy fag hag I am.

Most girls I've seen, by end of the night, would be going through death by 4" - taking them off and prancing off in their drunken glory.

As how two of my favourite lovely gay men have advised me, "Most men are like killer heels. Never ever take 'em off your feet. Try putting them back on and it's gonna hurt like hell!". Rings so very true. After all, it is coming from their own kind. ha!

But this is what I want so badly though - Christian Louboutin's Bouquet platform pumps! My life would be complete. Period. I wouldn't want to be caught dead in this; I want to be caught stomping all over someone's heart in this!

And I think I'd quite rule my fairy land ever more classy with those on! hahahaha.

I'm such a sick bastard. LOL

Heartbreak and cure no more

2009-10-08T12:35:00.003+01:00

Letting go off memories is one of the hardest thing for me to do. I might have forgave, moved on, and live a perfectly polished life, but in the back of my mind, I have episodes replaying like a broken record.

My life does sound too damn cliche', it's cheesy.

Man, someone help me.

I'm such a whore.

2009-09-30T10:03:00.003+01:00

I was in a book store today, I just miss the feeling of going into one and just soaking myself into countless book shelves with sickening smell that you get when you flick through a book. I just love the way a glossy or hardback feels, I love to flick and tease myself with pictures it has sometimes, I love to fondle and smother a brand new title and I just love a good fiction that mind fucks me hard.

I texted Jamesypoo and said, "I'm raping books in MPH, save me!"

and he said, "slut... please go get a life!"

LOL

When the grass smelt delicious

2009-09-25T03:44:00.014+01:00

Not the big smoke eh?

2009-09-21T17:00:00.001+01:00

So Gideon persuaded me to go to London for New Year. What's next?

Gawd, I love my life.

A month back

2009-09-20T04:48:00.003+01:00

Being back hasn't been exciting. There has been a funeral, holidays cancelled and unexciting time. The only worth while thing was seeing Melvin after two whole years. I do miss him dearly as all the good times we had.

What really hurt me the most about leaving London, wasn't the fact I'm leaving the city - it was more about the memories I created and the people I met. Some whom I had heaps of fun with, someone I possibly fell in love with, some who came to my rescue every time I was bored, some who became true friends and those who thought I was their little Ms. Sunshine.

London grew on me. At first, it was just another city I had to learn to adapt into, which I did very well. Eventually, it became home. A place I was comfortable. A place where I was free to roam. A place where I was truly myself.

Ever since I came back, there wasn't a day I never thought about London. It might just be a year but it was an amazing year. It nearly felt like a dream. I recall, every time I walked down Thames path, I get so welled up about just being in London.

Perhaps, it's time for to rest it all in the suitcase and just focus on what's to come.

Even in the bottom of my heart, I'd know that I will never ever would let it go.

trapped

2009-09-17T14:40:00.005+01:00

And so I was. For about nearly over an hour. It chucks down like someone switched on the power shower, that's how my ex-landlady once described the tropical rain. Funny, I just thought she doesn't like south east Asia for some odd reason.

I rushed to finish my dinner of chicken rice, but the clouds were all gathered and ready for the big showdown. I knew it was too late and my dinner wasn't really finished. For some reason, I'm just not a fan of local dishes. I've been craving of a nice bowl of pesto pasta topped with lots of grated cheddar. Now that's comfort food!

I rang Melvin and I reckoned he probably blazed himself out. Oh well, it was perfect nap weather. Lightning danced and thunder drummed through, I sipped my ol' school cup of thick coffee. It felt warm. And I pondered. Perhaps, that's how my life is like now.

I just need the storm to calm and there's a rainbow at the end (how cheesy). I've been so restless and being eagerly hoping planning that something major would happen. Nothing did so far. All I been feeling a hollowness.

Like how I was got caught at the coffee shop, I was trapped in my own little worldliness. So often I forget how the Big Guy has bigger plans for me than I could ever imagine. It's always been the case.

So perhaps, I just need to be patient and something's huge gonna happen. Well, I'll keep my faith up. Just like how the rain eventually stopped after about an hour. It wasn't long, it just made me idle for a bit. I guess that's not too bad, ey?

Stoned wisdom #295

2009-09-15T06:39:00.002+01:00

Melvin told me the other day,

"You know, what makes your life so beautiful. It's the people you meet, the moments you go through with them. Sometimes, they can be ugly. Sometimes, they just break your heart. But you'll always have those bitter sweet memories forever. There'd be a phase you go through with someone. It's just a phase. And that's the beauty of it. Too much of something can be very bad. Maybe in 10 years time, you'd look back say, I'm glad I didn't stay there and Lex, I'm glad I didn't with her."

and that's why he is my best mate. Now, another roll up?

overcast

2009-09-13T14:56:00.004+01:00

I've always had a sleeping condition. Many times while living in London, (not to forget that cosy ol' bed - Oh, snuggles) I find myself wide awake at 3am, just staring at the blank ceiling "what the fck am I doing with my life".

At points, I took sleeping pills for a good 8 hours sleep. My ex-landlady used to think I was mad albeit my crazy sleeping habits.

I used to stay up late and watch it rain till the wee hours of morning. Those moments used to make me feel so safe inside, as if tomorrow's going to be a better day. But now, I'm not too sure about it. Last night, I stayed up. It rained so heavily as if someone just switched on the shower. It felt rather unsettling.

This morning, I woke up rather rough. It was overcast, felt as though I was in a photocopier. It felt like London suddenly to me. That thing I loved about so much - the grey overcast days of black and white photos.

I miss that so much. I miss the days walking down Thames armed with my DSLR snapping at every structure I walked past. I miss the days I sat on the bus going to church just blankly staring at world passing me by. I missed the days I walked back from church through various squares and just oggle at the magnificence of each building. I miss sitting at Trafalgar Sq with an ice cream in hand watching other happy faces. I miss the depressing times the weather brought. I miss that comfort of the flat in Brixton. I miss the quiet night ins when we just drank wine and smoked spliffs and watched TV.

I want to go back to that overcast grey place back. So very badly.

Maybe someone needs to slap me back into reality.

bah hambug.

2009-09-12T05:00:00.004+01:00

I lost all faith in journalism at the end of my diploma course in 2008. Not because that I've lost my passion for writing. I lost faith in the industry itself. I'm ashamed to be in an industry full of untalented, biased, wannabes and posers.

Tell me something, how many times have you read a review and went "What the fuck is that person on about". I get really annoyed how writers try to sound smart in every single fcking sentences. Seriously, what's with you people? Brutal honesty is appreciated, not "oooh, I think I'm smart" shit.

Oh please, for the fuck sake, what happened to writing simply? When words flow like a river into an ocean of endless possibilities. Right - I'm being corny. Cliche' but hey!

A couple of days ago, a mate of mine asked me to edit his sociology essay. Well hey, it's not like I have anything better to do besides smoking up and watching South Park. So I agreed. Only at the first sentence, I died of shock and horror. Poor boy, amazing points! BUT the worst form of academic writing. Jesus, can someone lend me a red pen?

Either way, I started working on a manuscript. After all, my boredom is truly killing me softly. Well at least I got something to work on. Maybe someday I'll sell it and become rich. What's the story? Oh, you'll find out. Someday.

Cup of tea?

2009-09-05T17:09:00.004+01:00

It's two weeks since I've been back. Nothing majored I've achieved, besides getting blazed and watching endless South Park (omg we just covered season 1 to 5 in a week. Legends. WORD!) with Melvin.

It's good to see Melvin again. I missed him a lot. I haven't seen his skinny bones for light ages now, though he was ever so frequently gets annoyed on Skype by me. But he's had a very tough past year and drama wouldn't be the word to describe it either.

We may have cancelled what could have been the MOST epic holiday EVER due to the recent unfortunate events. Still, we are having the time of our life. Just like the ol' times.

We talked about many things. London, New York, work, degree, graphics, magazines, management, our friends, her, him, them, 21, 26, everything. If there's one person in the whole world I'd tell everything that's Melvin. There's no one else besides him in this world I'd hide anything from.

Sometimes I hesitate to say some things to some of my closest friends. So often, I fear that I'd disappoint them or they may judge me (sorry guys, you know I don't mean it) but Melvin never said anything against me. He listens. Takes a few mins and then, says the wisest thing I possibly have ever heard in my entire life. I reckon he's just too plastered most the time. haha!

True, I have a huge problem with trust. Maybe I've become as skeptical as my dad has always been. Perhaps, it's now my weakness in life to deal with. Like I said, I'm just so scared that I'd hurt my loved ones, so I hide everything with me.

Melvin always posed me with "Lex, just let go. Even if they turn their back on you, you know you always got me and that God of yours. Why fear?"

Perhaps he is right. Perhaps I need to stop.

Legend spoke.

2009-09-01T18:20:00.002+01:00

I think the world knows what towels me and Melvin are sometimes. Gettin' high and watching south park always, always bring out the best in us! LOL

"You know Lex, your life sounds like a thrashy chick flick that people love and hope that the girl will get a happy ending someday"

Yes Melvin, someday.

Stoned wisdom

2009-08-28T17:00:00.001+01:00

My best friend just pointed out the fact that I must be so pathetic that I actually posted my ex-flatmate's arse on my blog.

Bitch, please!

Moon-ed :-)

2009-08-27T16:31:00.002+01:00

How depressing has my blog becometh? Oh fck it, lets all oggle at my ex-flatmate's mooning action on my last night in London. hehe

shock. it comes by.

2009-08-27T07:25:00.002+01:00

Holiday cancelled.

Muggy and hot.

A funeral on Tuesday.

Missing London.

Feeling not so good.

All a tad bit depressing.

Home

2009-08-21T19:47:00.003+01:00

I feel very hot and sticky. I don't like this feeling. Buggered.

I need to flee again.

Sometimes you don't know what you had till you lose it. Or what it could have been.

I miss London. X